Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
