Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
