Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
