Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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