my phone needs a breathalizer
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
