I need to stop coming to work sober
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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