Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
