I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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