sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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