all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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