I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
