When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
