I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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