You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
