what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
