i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
