I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
