Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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