We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
