"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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