GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
