Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
