i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
