3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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