when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
