You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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