Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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