Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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