Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
