I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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