my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
