I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
