If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
