Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
