Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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