when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
