i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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