I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
