The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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