I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My liver just broke up with me...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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