I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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