I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
