She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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