Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
