Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
