I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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