fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
