It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
