True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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