Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
